I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
