1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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