The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
