Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I have post one night stand depression
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
