we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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