apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
