theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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