and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I have peed in a lot of sinks
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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