you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
