i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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