I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
