I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
