she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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