i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
