I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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