She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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