Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
