I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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