She is in my trunk
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
