So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
