3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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