I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
