you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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