Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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