Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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