Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
