All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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