I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
