She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
