EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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