Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
