if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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