My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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