He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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