I don't remember. Are we still dating?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
