Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
