dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
