I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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