...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
