i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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