I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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