Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
