If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Randomize
