If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
