I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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