I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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