eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
