Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
