Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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