I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
